What a day.

I have no more photos to share for this post,
because of my useless handphone which spoiled like few days ago.
and the main thing is i dont have a camera with me.
and i dont even own one. T.T
Basically today is quite a meaningful day for me
and i realise that my mood fluctuate pretty much today , which swings from depressed to happy to emotional and well, i can say is happy again.


i think i laugh quite easily.
which i think is a both good and bad things
Looking on the bright side, i forget all the unhappy stuffs easily and my mood get better in a speedy way.
On the other side of the coin, i laugh too easily even if i am not supposed to laugh at certain occasions.
i think for me, it is sort of annoying sometimes but i just couldn help myself, maybe i should go and do a check up to find out what is wrong with the part of my brain cell which is responsible to make me feel " funny " or response to any " hillarius " stuff when NECESSARY.
BUT,we shouldn generalize things too easily.
Overall, i come up with a conclusion that, it is still a good thing.
it will not be me myself anymore if i didn laugh so easily.


Actually something just happened to me recently.
The day before my business exam , i should have been studying hard,
but eventually my mood was so spoiled by some kind of news,
and i have no mood to study at allllllll.
i seriously dont get myself. maybe i just couldn take it at the beginning.
but some how it was ok for me right now, and what i reli hope that he will be happy with his new life :)


anyway, the business paper was soooo hard ! FML
I HATE ACCOUNTING !
but i still manage to squeeze out some ans at the end of the paper, which i was running out of time and struggled to finish the paper.
Shit you question one!
i spent too much times on question and ended up having not enough time to finish my second question.SIGH.
IT RELI MAKES ME FEEL SAD AND DEJECTED AFTER SITTING FOR THE PAPER.

Anyhow i am glad to say that i have awesome classmates:) which brighten up my day once again. haha but seriously the movie was.... LAME ? LOL

and here comes the main thing..
my dear tdc Kween Iylia had invited me to her motivation talk which called asia works.
well , at the beginning i seriously never thought that it will be such a serious thingy. i was having a mind of lets go and take a look / mingle around since i have nth to do and since iylia had invited me :)
herm herm , somehow it is the kween rite, hehehehe.
but i was amazed and impressed by the speaker and the talk that we have actually been through. it was good.
it taught me lots of stuffs actually and it trigged my mind while he was saying about the conscious and conscious theory, which i have experienced it well enough.
there were also some kind of experiment , which make me think that , ohyea, it was true though,
ppl tend to have good or positive thinking about his or herself, think that their own race is superior than others , think that they are better or always think things based on their own personal point of view ONLY.
i am not saying about all of them , but basically , part of it was true .
even u think that u are not that good , but somehow, in some situation, u will still tend to think that u are better than others.
and some will start to be self-centered and refuse to keep on improving.


Thanks iylia for bringing me to this asia work though, it was good.:)
it reli knocked me up.
and i will never stop myself from improving.
Live in the present and looking forward for the future.
i want fantastic lifestyle !:)

Confuse

i simply just dont understand myself.

tomorrow will be my exam.
well frankly speaking i dont rell have the mood to study anymore.
not becos of i am too confident or anything.
but just, my heart and my brain doesnt gif me any chances to take a breathe.
i am so occupied with all the memories and all of those things started to flashback into my mind one by one,and it just stick inside my brain like a scar.
the more i want to remove it, the more painful i feel.
i really dont get it, why am i so stubborn ?
why am i still keep holding on while the other one doesnt even care anymore.
and what purpose or what do i get when i feel so exhausted and dont even have enough strength to struggle anymore?
is it mean that or is it true that love can really turn people into a dummies or lobotomized?
i have no words to describe how i feel right now, or i will rather say it , i was too depressed to think of any words to describe my feelings.
It is just too tough for me.
and all of a sudden. my world is filled with grief and sadness.
and i cnt find any reason to explain this.
it is so silly. and i dont want to admit that i am that silly
for all this while.
Affirm with one's lip but deny in one's heart.
yes i am that kind of person.
the only thing can make me forget about you is to hate u.
and i have no choice but to do so.
i really dont expect myself to be so vulnerable.
because it is impossible for me to just flick a switch like that.
evry single time i try to forget about u , all the kindness and good personality in you will automatically come into my mind, which make me feel even emptier and sadder rather than to get angry with u .
maybe i am the one who is not good enuf for u.
i know. i will never be good enuf for anyone.
i cant stop blamming myself after we have separated, and i always think it is all my fault.And whenever you did sth wrong , i am not stupid. i knew it. But i choose to forgif and forget.
whenever u are finding an excuse to avoid me , i knew it , but i choose to forgif and forget.
whenever u are too busy or u are too lazy to even reply my msg ,i knew it but i understand and what i did is just waiting for you.
evrn if i am so tired and there have been so many times where i wake up in the middle of the night just to ans ur call with my phone holding in my hand because i was waiting for ur call or reply until i fall asleep again.
i was lying to you because i was too afraid to look at you in your eyes and i dont want to admit that i am actually shy.
and evrything else u have done and the dreams that u wanted.
i understand it well.
i always hope that i can help to share your sadness and suffering.
but i realize that it was just a lie after all.
i am nothing and worthless in ur eyes.
i know u hate me.
but i cant hate u back just because of this.
when i come to think of all the efforts that i had put in all this while.
what i can do is just to say sorry and sincerely hope that u will found your happiness.
i am not the one for you or anyone else. i am just not suitable in all these kind of things.
sorry , i dont know how to love a person properly.

i simply just dont understand myself.

Halloween Halloween

Happy Halloween evryone ! XD
there has been a halloween fever all around recently
partay partay partay.
well it is not a very good timing cause i am still having my KILLING AS right now.
But anyway
i am still able to use some of my times wisely to fit in with all those party.
but i am not the one who are attending the party, but instead, performing.:)
i am also quite amazed by my ability to handle both sides, yay u know. this aidn joking
it is the freaking AS final !
yea right , i know my econs paper 2 is going to kill me already.
In fact it did.LOL
and i still remember clearly what my classmates told me while we were eating after we have sat for the paper.
we were like complaining and discussing about retaking our econs paper. hahahaha
hermm , as what u have seen on the photos above, yea that is some of the pictures taken on the day of performances.
pretty cool isnt it ? although i dont really sure about whether am i had putting up a good show but i can say that overall you guys did a great job. well done seriously. well done.
First debut of SOML -- story of my life? OR..? haha inside joke.( for those who knows what it means , yea :P )
anyhow, i did enjoy the show very much , although i was like FML when i got a flu before my second show but still it was enjoyable.
As usual great times with TDC.
There is always fun whenever TDC is around. :)

say cheers to life:)

PHEW..
just got back from hardcore study in college just now for business..
ohyea procrastination , it serves me right.
i have been pushing myself to study the entire business for AS in one day.
i think i am too relax for this few days and seriously slacked.
and the worst thing is , i have so many on-going performance and stuff waiting for me to fulfill it.
and i feel myself getting overwhelmed by all of this.
well i admit that this is all my fault for not studying hard enough during those days where i can actually study.
i dont know why but it seems like whenever exam is coming , other stuffs will just rush in naturally side by side together with my exam, and get me restless.
i know i cant be a jack of all trade but a master of nothing, but i just want to make sure evrything that i do will turn out to be a good one instead of screwing it up.
i rather working myself until my body turn flat-out rather than giving it up without even trying.

You never try , you will never know.

yea exactly.Performance are coming, exam are on-going, production is waiting eagerly, application need to be done, lots of admission test is queuing up in my things to do list, and i realise i have no interval between all these. my schedule is packed until next year.
ohya joy. tat means i will not have time to rest again.
even if i finished my AS, i still have to deal with the production and A2. and even when i go back i only have one week for me to chill at home.
and lots of things need to be done in JB too.

hmmm... actually it may be a good thing for me to be busy , at least i know that i am doing something instead of wasting my time lifelessly.
life is too short to be empty. i am still happy because the satisfaction that i gained after this is indescribable.and i am also glad that i am disciplined enough to manage my time well without clashing it all together or neglect one of the side.
i seriously want to prove that i am independent enough to handle all this myself.
even without my family with me.
i dont want them to worry about me. and i wont forgive myself if i did something silly.
i think at this age, one should be responsible enough to take care of yourself.
i mean , not just physically but also mentally.
and come to think of it, i am quite surprise that i can actually live on my own and learned a lots more things that probably u will never expect yourself to know how blissful you are.
well, living is not easy.
i always try to be an inspiring person, trying to be humble always, and trying to keep changing to give out the best of me and eliminate all the bad characteristic.
people need to gone through tough moment,different experiences, in order to make ourself a better person.

TELL YOURSELF, YOU MUST BE A BETTER PERSON AFTER EVERY SINGLE DAY. learn it from day to day mistakes and events and never take for granted of what u have. and lastly, say cheers to life ! * grin * :)

it is 4.57a.m

well i have written this long time ago, but i didn reli go and publish it. so, yea there u go.I hope tat the person who i am writing for will be able to read it.the main point is to tell him, yea i am fine,dun worry i have already get over it. But sadly i know he wont. anyhow,i do feel much more relieved after writing this :)




I am just pondering.
ppl always say what u think will reflect in ur dream
and i already keep telling myself , i even warned myself
controlling myself.
and i thought that i have already getting it over.
i wont have any hesitation or any second thought that will make me chg my mind ever again.
But , i just realised what i am thinking all this while is wrong.
it still sticks inside my brain , hiding somewhere around my heart, and as times goes on , it just got deeper and deeper inside.
the only thing in this world that will grow stronger as time passing on is the feeling when u are missing someone .
who u will probably never see them anymore in ur life.
maybe they are just a stranger , maybe they are just a normal person who happened to talk to you once in a special occasion, maybe they was once a vry important person to you , maybe they are your lover ,maybe they are your family member or maybe they have already gone in this world...
and maybe they are no longer belongs to you anymore...
but the feeling will still stay together with you , all the happy moment , all the memories and time spent.
and when you are convincing yourself, or when you are comforting yourself that you can actually forget about it .
ask yourself, do you really forget about it already ?
or you are just trying to self-hypnosis but actually you still remember every single thing, jus that the feeling aidn that strong anymore compare to last time. and slowly.. the memories fogged out .
and you thought that u already get over it.
until the coming of the vry particular day , at that particular night and in that particular dream.
i dreamed about you .
and i was surprise of what i have dreamed about you. what i have told you , and what i have done to u .
it is just so not me.
and i only found out that actually deep inside my heart or somewhere inside my subconsciousness you are actually still there without me even realizing it.
is just that the feeling aidn that strong anymore. is just that i was too busy to even think about it. is just that i think it is impossible for me to think like this anymore.
and finally it burst out , it break out , it vented。
actually you are still there.


it is 5.29 a.m
and i couldn sleep.
i always wanted to tell you something that i couldn even say out.


you know what
i miss you. but i guess i will never do it again , perhaps i will transfer it onto someone else who reli understand the meaning of this word.
and i have got my answer. but i wont try to get you back again. because i know i have to move on , like what u already did.



To the person who once i loved the most
the anonymous. :)

Listen to your heart

we take up challenge. we take up risk.
Looking back the ups and downs throughout the life.
ppl always said what reli matter is the journey , not the destination that u are aiming for.
what u have learnt , what u have gained, what things have enriched ur mind, or what things have contaminated ur mind.
things doesnt need to be always good. we learnt from our mistakes. we learnt from the spot where we fell down, and we excel.
Rushing,rushing,rushing.We are forever rushing.Never have enough time here, always trying to make our way there. I acknowledge the irony.
I have been so busy this year, and i have neglected the voices coming out through my heart.
i miss the period where there is only me sitting down in front of the computer screen, reminiscing and thinking about all sort of things quietly , pacifying myself and collecting all my thoughts and feelings and write it down.. Is that really indicating when people have started to get in touch with the society , ppl can easily subconsciously get blinded by fames,money,trying to gain attention, trying to become someone,becoming materialistic,and the list goes on.
It is good for one to pursue your own goals and dreams.
But is it a good thing to overwhelmed yourself and not giving urself a chance to take a breathe ?
i have not realized that actually it has been a while since i last glanced upon the sky and gasped or sighed,
i dun even have time for that.
we all are chasing something throughout our entire life,which we may not be eventually get it.
and now i understand why is it always so hard for adults to stop from what they are doing, they just cant slow down their pace because of their ego and unsatisfied craving.
the power of someone desire to get something is really scary sometimes, and i hate it when it turns out to be a bad one , which will hurt people's feelings. we do compare, it is good to stay competitive, but not ended up with jealousy.
well, i am not finding excuse to not to work hard, of course , u have to work extremely hard in order to get what u want .
you cant even get to eat if u dun find a way to get ur food.
i dunwan to ended up to be regret of not getting what i want and disappointed myself and others. this is the worst fear in my life.
again, it is about the journey not the destination.
However, i think it may be also , it is about the journey and the destination u are aiming for. But do make sure u have learned and gained something throughout the journey, if not u will just feel empty even if u reach ur destination :)
and i think it is time to activate my blog again ? well i love to write tho. XD







i always think that language is the most powerful weapon in this world which can intoxicated your mind like a poison and also give you enlightenment.
and ppl always said writing bout urself is the hardest thing in the world, which i am going to try it vry soon.
To quote one of the quote that i have once heard from ppl , but i have slightly altered it a bit myself.
" i write to express, not to impress " *haha sorry if i have infringed the copyright . But good things are meant to be shared. :)

struggling

4.21 am



i am awake and i am studying the stupid econs for the freaking exam next week.
oh gosh . two more chapters to go and i really hope that i can finish it fast and efficiently !!
it seems as it will never finish for me .
how i wish it is morning now and i can have a good and proper breakfast for me to lighten up my days !
so that i can continue to study ==
well ! gonna study now and breakfast here i come ! yum yum :P

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

8.48a.m



i am still awake
and suprisingly , i am not as tired as i imagined
well , technically i have finished my econs ,
but i dont know how much did i absorbed and digested throughly
and it seems that i have forgotten evrything again = =
whatever it is , tomorrow is my LAW
not my econs . so it is still ok for me to put aside my econs first .
however , the toughness yet most important subject which is meant to be tested on tomorrow , i haven even finish studying yet !
and all those that i have studied , just like econs , i have forgotten everything again , just a little bit here and there .
sad to say that it is a subject which require you to memorize almost evrything in the text book and vomit it out words by words .*pat my forehead with my hand * faint
sigh ... so now , i had my breakfast , but not the " lighten up my day " breakfast cause subway haven open yet == i was too early this morning. zzz
maybe i will get it during my lunch ?
lol all i am thinking now is food = =
but food really important rite ? it gives us energy , power ,nutrients.... ok enuf for the crap .
off to study ! go go fighting ! :p

A start of something new

i just did something great .
i deleted all my older post in form 5 .
sounds cool huh ? LOL
just left some post that i think is quite meaningful.
i read through all my post last time .
all those memory that i have nearly forget about it .
it is pretty remarkable and this will always make me reminisce all the crazy stuff that i have done last time .

and NOW.
people always say that what have been past is past ,
there is no point to trap yourself in the past and stop yourself from moving forward.
what really matter is the moment right now,
sometime we did do something at the spur of the moment right?
memory shall not be forgone. but it will still become foggy .
no matter what u have done last time , how many hard work u have put in ,
how dedicated you are in doing that particular thing for that particular person who did mean a lot in your life last time , it will still faded away slowly together with time .
people is then grown , turning into a better person , mature , demanding, sensible , understanding , and the list goes on.
well , i have a special term for this ,
i called this as " evolving "
however, there is still a little bit of things that i missed out.
i had dropped my trust on others , i had dropped my innocent towards some kind of stuff , i had dropped the feeling of wanted to fall in love again , i had dropped the way that i used to communicate with people , and i am hiding myself away from people.
sometime i just want to be alone.
it is so tired to be nice to ppl every single time and afraid of offending someone or saying or doing something wrong or trying hard to fit in with the crowd.
well i just dont want to make anyone unhappy.
ok i admit it .
i am just not suitable for this . and i dont wanna to try so hard anymore.
just let it be then .
i have my goal to achieve , i have my stuff to do . thats all i know.
and i know i have to do this alone.
you cannot rely on others evrytime.
i guess it is time for me to have some quiet moment and start to figure what is really important for me .
i dont really want to see their disappointed face and i dont want to make myself regret again.
i dont know whether am i a I-SAY-IT-AND-I-MEANT-IT person but this is the current thing that i wanted to do .
leanrt from my past and promise myself I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN .